Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hot Granny Panties

Okay, so I read lots of of stuff on lots of runner's blogs and it's odd, but much of what I read is about
Everyone thinks this word, the act ...or the sounds are so hilarious! Also, everyone agrees, the odor, unless of course it is their own, is most obnoxious and vomitrocious - is that a word?

And no, I am not going to post about farts, their sounds, smells or discomfort they may cause. Instead, I am going to talk about something else, something I never see anyone blog about ...
Aunt Flow!

You know, that bit*h can really get in the way! Up to two weeks before she comes to visit, she can announce her stay with aches and pains. About a month ago, in between my son breaking his collar bone and my daughter getting a concussion, I actually had to have an emergency ultrasound for pain that made me think I'd rather be delivering a baby. At least with a delivery, you get a little fun person to feed, cuddle and love ...until of course they become teens, and think you're as dumb as a stick. Anyway, that pain was awful. It turned out to be a torqued ovary cyst, blah, blah, blah ....let's put it this way, it was worse than any gas pain!

Then, Aunt Flow, starts to bug you in other ways. Like a childhood bully, she is constantly poking at you ...maybe in the breast area. Ouch, that swollen, uncomfortable feeling when you go to lift anything, like groceries, a laundry basket or the garbage. There she is, whispering to you in that God-awful, nails on the chalkboard tone, "I'm coming, dear. Just making sure your ready."

If your lucky, maybe your Aunt Flow isn't as bad as I am describing. But, my Aunt Flow is so bad, I nearly hurled the other day, just trying to get through 5miles. And, Lord, where did I read, you should eat fish twice a week? 'Cause I baked some Cod last night and all Aunt Flow could tell me was, "Breathe in dear, you're never gonna get that fish smell out of your nose." And like an evil witch, she left me sipping flat soda, trying to get passed the nausea with her steady poking, that was so relentless, I had pain all the way up to under my underarm pits!

Ugh! I can't stand her!

Then, there's her she-devil taunting:

Aunt Flow: "Have you looked in the mirror lately? It looks like you've put on a few pounds."
Half-crazed: "Just shut up, Aunt Flow. Besides, a few pounds would be good for me. I don't know if you've noticed, but I crap everything out! HELLOOOOO ...I got Crohn's."
Aunt Flow: "Yeah, but these pounds are where you never want them. Look. Look. Go to the mirror and looooook. Your ass and stomach are growing! And your thighs, hah! They are losing muscle, soon fat will take over those thighs and you will lose speed."
Of course it does not help that you feel swollen on every inch of your body,
crave chocolate like you'll die without it
and your head is pounding, like a freight train
just drove down the middle of your brain.

There is just no way to reason when your head is in that much pain. 
Thoughts like:
"Why do I still get pimples? I got freakin' wrinkles, do I really need pimples, too?"
"How can I run 5miles today? I don't even have the energy to run 1mile, let alone 5!"
How about remembering, ANYthing?
"And I have a huge exam tomorrow and crap, I forgot to buy bread today!"
Then, there is of course, 
the resounding ...
"OMG. My life is in the crapper."

And, after all her taunting and teasing, Aunt Flow finally comes!
Well, I say...
"I'm ready for ya', Bit*h. 
I got my pads, 
I got my Tampax, 
I got my Advil - for the pains in the back and in the front,
And, I've got my 'Granny Panties.'

Only this time, my Granny Panties are HOT! 

That's right! 
I'm tired of Aunt Flow making me feel like crap when she comes to visit! So I went to VS, and bought me some extra hot Aunt Flow Undies!
That's right Aunt Flow, You want a piece of me?
And, now, Aunt Flow, You must excuse me, 'cause I'm going for my run!


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