Tuesday, October 16, 2012

No Fizzle!

It has been an emotional week in my community. Everyone is very upset over losing one of our high school seniors. For the first time, I realize what others must have felt, when my family experienced the horror of 9/11. I know it's not the same - but the events involve a similar pain. And they both leave you with, the "if only" thoughts and the infamous "why" questions...
'If only this happened, and not that ...
Why, God?'
I've been to many Grief Support Group Meetings, enough to know:
The "why" questions will kill you.
They will drive pain deep into your heart, and torment your soul. 
They will rip you in two, chew you up, and spit you out like yesterday's garbage.
After 9/11, I went to lots of grief support group meetings - I was desperate to find answers. Even though I never got any answers, I did take in the suggestions on how to cope. One suggestion, I remember was learning how to get myself off those trains of "if only" thoughts and "why" questions. I remember learning that I had to literally envision myself getting off of a train. First, I would envision being seated on a train. Then, I would picture myself reaching up and pulling on a cord which would let the train conductor know he had to stop the train and let me off. I would visualize myself getting up from my seat, walking down the middle aisle, and stepping off the train. I would even imagine looking toward the front of the train, watch the conductor as he stuck his head out of the engine car,  and then, tip his cap, as if to say to me, "Bye ...for now."

At first, getting off that train was hard, but after much mental exercise and practice, it was the one method I used to propel myself forward - taking the necessary steps to move forward, to live in honor of my husband, and his life.

The wake for the young man we lost last week - due to a tragic, accidental fall - was so very difficult. I asked my friend to go with me. Once inside, I heard the young man's dad say to my friend, "We are just so grateful that we had him in our lives. You know, you and me, we will just fizzle out of this life. Not my son - he went out with a blaze!" 
I just can't stop hearing these words in my head. 
They have inspired me.  I must get off the "if only" and "why" trains of thought. I must move forward in a positive way to honor and celebrate this young man's life.

I know we will pull together as a community and find a way to celebrate and honor this young man's life. So many people have already asked me to let them know if I hear of anything. Please know that when I do, I will post it here. For now, let's continue to pray for his family - that they find peace and strength in God's arms, and continue to move forward in a positive light.

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